How are we going to deal with our ever rising national debt? What can we do to lower unemployment and get people back to work? What’s our plan to wrap up things and get out of Afghanistan? Is there a fix for our broken healthcare system? How will Greece fare when they go off the Euro and back on the drachma? Can we sustain Social Security over the long haul? And, what about global warming, for God’s sake? Are these some of the questions you’ve been pondering? Not me, I gave up worrying about the hard stuff a long time ago. Here are some of the pressing issues keeping me up at night:
Where is O.J. now and has he confessed to killing Nicole and Ron yet? Do you think he brags about getting away with it to his cellmates?
Who is Monica Lewinski blowing now and do you think he’s denying it like Bill did? I suppose that all depends on what the definition of is is. And Monica, did you ever take that blue dress in to the cleaners?
Speaking of Bill, do ex-presidents rate interns? I don’t know, but Hillary is spending a lot of time in Pakistan.
Have you ever wondered how the German drug company, Bayer, marketed heroin before the First World War? They owned the tradename heroin until they were forced to give it up in the Treaty of Versailles.
How come we haven’t seen Donald Trump’s birth certificate yet? What do you think he’s hiding?
Why did we name a dead-end a cul-de-sac when it means butt of bag in French?
How do you think infidelity or his lack thereof has affected Tiger Woods’ golf game? With a personal net worth of $500 million and an annual salary of $85 million or so you’d think he could find another cocktail waitress or model to calm his nerves.
Does Newt Gingrich really believe that we will elect him to anything, let alone the presidency? And, are he and those other clowns the best candidates we can come up with?
Do you wonder if Arnold Schwarzenegger was bonking the maid while Maria was asleep in the other room?
Do you ever wonder what kind of speech Barack would give without a teleprompter?
I’ve been wondering, what ever happened to the American Idol winners Fantasia and Ruben Studdard.
What was God thinking when he gave silverback gorillas, the largest of all the primates, a penis that averages a paltry 1 1/2 inches in length?
Do your really think that Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries will get back together? I’m not sure. Maybe he’s hung like a silverback?
How come we spell bivouac that way and not bivwack?
Don’t you hate to see another grand old American brand go down the drain? Eastman Kodak filed for Chapter 11 today. I don’t use any of their products anymore (maybe that’s the problem) but I’m sad to see ‘em go.
I’ve been wondering what the function of our sinuses is other than to make us miserable when they become inflamed or infected. All science can tell us is that the function of the sinuses is not clear? Theories include humidification and warming of inspired air, lightening of the skull, improvement of vocal resonance, absorption of shock to the face or skull, and secretion of mucus to assist with air filtration. Come on now; is this the best we can come up with?
How soon will Oprah reach 200 pounds now that she’s off the air? My money’s on August.
How does that red-haired prick on CSI Miami stay on the air? I loathe him and I’ve never met anyone that likes him.
Does anyone really care that Playboy gave Lindsay Lohan the Marilyn Monroe treatment in their recent pictorial spread. I saw ‘em both and I like the Marilyn shots (and her bazoomas) much better.
And finally a question that I’ve been beating my brow over. How do mermaids have sex and which do they prefer, humans or large fish ― something like tuna or marlin? Or maybe a whale ― a blue whale has a penis up to 16 feet long and testicles that weigh around 25 pounds apiece.
Help me answer these questions so I can finally get some sleep. Then on the other hand, have you ever wondered if there is a God? Why is the sky blue? Does Bill Cosby actually like jello? What is the meaning of . . .